Blog Addiction

6 Mar

Dancing to Polka Party by Weird Al Yankovich

Jingle Fuel Truck

     Mike “Buzz” Toomer says I should be ashamed of myself, asking you all to write him fan mail in an attempt to get him to write more posts.  But later he said he had an idea for his next post.  Picture me rubbing my hands together and laughing evilly.  Soon he too will be a blog addict. BUWHAHAHAH!

     Rat is heading off on a grand adventure to other places.  I’ll let him fill you in, but there won’t be a post from him today.  Odie did provide one, thankfully, so I’m not left holding the bag, and we have a new writer, SSG Sawyer, from right here at Camp Phoenix.  She’ll be bringing us today’s Obscene Amenity. 

     I’ve been having a lot of fun with the Obscene Amenities, and it seems to be a favorite with many readers.  But I need to make it very clear to all of you, if you think I have it rough here, I truly am in paradise compared to many deployed people.  I don’t live in a tent, we don’t get attacked regularly (just the occasional suicide bomber), I don’t work 16 hours a day, and I have an internet hook-up right in my room.  Yes, I pay $35 a month for it, and it’s the best money I’ve spent over here.  I could go on, but you get the idea.

     Here’s my point.  Many people have written me, marveling at the spartan lifestyles we live.  Compared to what it is like back in the states, that is very true.  But compared to many of our troops, I have it very good indeed.  Compared to 99% of the Afghans, I live like a king.  It’s all a matter of perspective.  Compared to my life back in Tennessee, my life stinks.  Compared to the combat troops in Iraq, I’m in Heaven.  Keeping things in perspective is one way I’ve come to enjoy (as best I can) life here.  It really could be much, much worse, and for many of our troops, it is.  I can assure you, however, that large, dare I say obscene, quantities of amenities are not being shipped over here, no matter what the delusional Mr. Arkin thinks. 

     But even worse than people like Mr. Arkin are the Islamic militants we are fighting right here.  I just read in the Stars and Stripes today that these warriors of God set off two bombs in Pakistan targeting those dens of iniquity, barber shops and music stores!  That’s right, in order to stop men from shaving their beards, as well as stop the evil of selling music, these towering paragons of virtue decided to blow things up. After all, a man without a beard is no better than a mass-murderer, a child molester, or an infidel.  And once they start listening to music, well, the fall of civilization is right around the corner.

     And lest you think I exaggerate, when the Taliban ruled here, men had to have beards.  If you even shaved your cheeks, the morality police would beat you up.  This actually happened to Han.  Can you imagine living under these dolts?      

     Once again I’ve been having problems with the computer and internet.  If I get this posted, it may not have all the bells and whistles it usually does.  I’ll just be happy to get it on line tonight.  Hopefully things will work better tomorrow.              

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Care Packages

     I got a Hickory Farms snack set from Terri Centner, but it was hand-delivered by a guy who came over from Camp Eggers.  It was not addressed, so I can only assume it was mailed as part of a larger package, and she asked someone to bring it over to me. Terri?

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Blog Watch

     Two more blogs have added links to AWAC, and here’s the info on them:

 

A Day in the Life  by farmwifetwo

http://farmwifetwo.blogspot.com/

     I’m sure this is someone I know, but not by this name.  Here’s her blog description:

Stay at Home Mom with 2 ASD boys. I am using this as a journal as I wade through the medical and school systems. I also post things that interest me from books to news articles.

The Signaleer has also linked to AWAC, so naturally we will return the favor.

http://signaleer.blogspot.com/

     US Army Signal Corps soldier blogs about the Army, radios, Defense Transformation, politics, terrorism, organized crime, and anything else that comes to mind.

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The William Arkin Obscene Amenity of the Day

(Named for William Arkin, the blogger who thinks the military is made up of mercenaries with too many amenities).  Don’t be a stranger, Bill.

     [Let me be serious for a moment, but only a moment. I can’t do it for very long; doctor’s orders. The purpose of this little segment is to show the world that Mr. Arkin is clueless.  It is simply idiotic that he thinks obscene quantities of amenities are shipped over here.  So we educate our readers as to what life is like over here, at his expense.  It is done is a spirit of fun, but never forget the underlying truth that there are people like Mr. Arkin who are mean-spirited and hate the military.  If his foot-in-mouth disease allows us to have some fun, most excellent.]

     AWAC is delighted to invite another Camp Phoenixite to our pages.  SSG Carrie Sawyer is also here for a year, and contributes this well-written and most educational posting about the 5-star hotel she is living in.  Never fear, I’ve already hunted her down and thanked her in person, and she assures me that more will be forth-coming.  She is spreading the word of AWAC among her friends.  She also listens to Weird Al, which gets her bonus points, and she's Army, which will make Leta happy (Leta is a big Army fan).

     As you read this post, it helps if you used to watch the old sitcom The Jeffersons.  At first I was wondering why she was calling me Mr. Jefferson, then it all clicked (in my defense, it was late at night when I read it, and my brain was asleep before I was).  So here’s Carrie -

 

    I too am a victim of an obscene amenity.  Mr. Jefferson, although your rank may afford you a spacious 8'x12' b-hut space on the "moving on up to the east-side" of Chateau Phoenix, we lower enlisted have it even better.  Take the lake-in-front-of-my-door property you see in the picture.  It's a mere 6 rows from your hut in the Westside Kilo Ghetto.  I live in Kilo-One which is conveniently situated right next to: the main ring road, an industrial-size generator, a dumpster, and a huge satelite dish (is that radiation or runny nose?)  Even worse, each cubicle cell inside the hut, errr . . . I mean open-air condo space measures a roomy 7'x7' and accommodates a full Afghan bunk bed. You can do the math I'm sure, but I'll spell it out for the rest---that leaves about 4'x7' of luxury. These huts only allow for a maximum of TEN mercenaries, so get your name on the waiting list today. 

     I filled my cell with other unnecessary amenities like plastic drawers, hooks, and a few shelves. I use those to hold other amenities that I got from the Army, like t-shirts, socks and my winter gear. The craziness doesn't stop there, each space comes with a single 110v power outlet with . . . hold on for this one . . . two outlets! I can’t believe I all this for the low, low, price of 365 "great" days in the 'stan. Did you hear something? I think I heard another great day go by.
-  SSG Sawyer

Zoning out to "Straight Outta Lynwood" by Weird Al under my electric blanket on my deluxe, spring-in-my-back Afghan mattress/desk.
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Care Packages

     Girl Scout Troop #125 from my hometown of Tullahoma sent me five boxes of girl scout cookies.  Thank you, and thanks to June Smith for mailing them to us.

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Five Seconds of Fame

     Yesterday’s quote ,“Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make” is Lord Farquar from Shrek.  I didn’t think it was so easy, but many people got it right, so I guess it was.  Lucky famous people for the day are:

Matthew Gauthier

Matti

Lorrie Cramer

Peter Fleming

Monet Thomas

Anna Lyman

Pam Sande (who has sent this photo of her three dogs)

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Quote of the Day:

“I thought I’d ask for your theories, mock them, and embrace my own.”

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It was a lovely day, baked to a crackly greatness

- Bear

traversa@gimail.af.mil

   

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Here’s Odie

The charity program here could especially use some more shoes of all types and men's clothing if anyone's interested in donating.  Everything else is still very welcome (except of course Piglet, Poombah, sweatpants that say "juicy" on the backside, and your old Central High School Crusaders jacket). Just address donations to:

VCR Program

CSTC-A Chaplains Office

APO AE 09356

________________

     After chugging down a few good quaffs of this free water we are indulged with, I looked a little closer at the bottle and nearly choked as I realized we might be getting even more than we bargained for.

 

   

     Now I might be able to get good money for this once I’m back in the States, but I can’t think of anywhere where this would be more useless (or even dangerous) than being deployed in an Islamic Republic with a bunch of other men.  Since I had already drunk a good portion of the bottle (and I have a logic-defying faith that the truth-in-advertising laws in the UAE are extremely strict) I had to avoid eye contact for the rest of the afternoon to make sure any residual effects had worn off…I’m switching back to sweet tea now.

- Odie

Comments

[Teri Centner]

I'm so glad to hear you got the Hickory Farms stuff from a "group" care package I sent to John Fraser at Camp Eggers. I hope it's tasty!

[Matti]

Why are they called Jingle Trucks? Have you explained these unusual creations in some previous blog entry before I got here? What's the deal? They're very very colorful... :-)

As for me, I never took your obscene amenity section as griping. Heck, you guys always sound optimistic and good natured about things to me. I thought it was obvious that you guys were teasing Arkin mercilessly. Afterall, mercy might just be an obscene amenity. But sarcasm's free last I checked. :-)

And Odie, I hope you learned your lesson. Only sweet tea from now on. Trust nothing else.

[Leta]

All of your posts today have had me singing "All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..." while I click around on the internet looking for the lowest airfare from here in the US to Kabul. You WILL pick me up at the airport won't you Bear? See, I'm thinking the idea of 1) living like royalty on 2) lake front property while 3) consuming bottles and bottles of love potion is more than I can get 'round these here parts.

OK, back to reality - Bear, your post really hit home with me. When I peruse www.anysoldier.com looking for new troops to adopt I have a "rule" now that I look for the more remote groups. Why? Because I've been told first hand from many of them and other deployed personnel about their sparse (or worse) conditions. Believe me - EVERY one of you deserves support from us back here. And, in an emotional way, you ALL get that from me. Yet when I know there are some who have no DFAC, PX, chapel or chaplain, regular mail, etc. I feel more of a need to "adopt" them. It's a difficult process. At times I feel as though I'm in some orphanage, looking at all these great human beings and forced to point at one and say, "you." (I'm certainly NOT implying that you all are orphans - just sharing the painful part of the process in selecting new groups to support).

When I think about the number of you all who are deployed around the world compared to the number of us back here it often angers me that each of you doesn't get more support in the form of, at least, letters. I suppose that living in the land of excess, ease and "me", "me", "me" precludes most from the need to support their fellow man/woman who serves to protect us. I'm always working to figure that out.

Lastly, Bear, regarding your comment "But even worse than people like Mr. Arkin are the Islamic militants we are fighting right here." I'm not so sure there really is a deliniation between the two. In my personal opinion he used his right to freedom of speech this time as a means by which to incite anger and hatred. He should be ashamed of himself (but isn't) and his employers make me sick!

I hope you ALL have a GREAT day!

[Farmwifetwo]

Thanks. I think. How did you find it???

I check in here most days will have to link myself to this post so I can brag I've been tagged.

S.

[Odie]

I had already planned a paragraph explaining that we aren't griping and know we have it good compared to many, just not compared to life in the States, so begruding any attempt to make life better for us, or thinking that the pay and lifestyle here are so awesome that people will sign up just for all the perks, is assininity (this word is my boss's recent creation) and deserving of ridicule. Anyway, you beat me to it and explained it much better that I would have.

Great minds and all that...